I love my boys more than anything

I hope that my boys get this message somehow. I want them to know that I love them very much.

I think it is harder on Alex. This post is mostly for him. We have been dealt a pretty crappy hand these last 3 years. We just have to deal with it. I do not blame either of them for how things are. I know that they love me and, like me, wish things could be different. Michael always preferred his mom, so this is not so hard for him.

Don't be sad. As my dad used to say, "don't let the bastards grind you down". I am doing my best to be able to see you.

PLEASE don't do anything stupid. I have been going through hell trying to stay alive so we can spend some time together. Don't do anything to spoil our reunion.

It is hard to exert power over your own life when you are in the situation that you and I find ourselves in.

Find a girl that you can talk to and tell her how you feel about everything. A girlfriend should be able to keep confidences, and give you comfort.

I love you. Come see me on your birthday. I am waiting for that day to come. Be there when it comes.

The only thing I want is grand-kids. Like my father, I probably won't live to see them, but I really want you to have many children, and to tell them all about me. Our job as parents is to raise you the best we can. You have the bad luck of having parents that can't get along. Don't make the same mistake.

Your job as children is to not make our bringing you into this world in vain. You do this by suffering the crap life has dealt to you, and to try to not make the same mistakes your parents did with your children.

Children are as close to immortality as it gets for parents. Promise me several grand kids, and I will go to my maker as a happy father. Live up to the promise, and make me proud.

GROW OLD!!!!!! That is what I want more than anything in the world. I have a guardian angle that has watched over me, and I pray that my angel watches over you, and keeps you safe.

Life gets better as we get older. When we are young, we have no idea what is going on. We get a little better idea as we get older, but still don't really know.

I cherish life. When things get really bad, I look around and remember how lucky I really am. I marvel at the colors on the HD TV, and think how lucky I am to be able to lie in bed and watch Star Trek reruns. Even with all the crap, I thank God every day for the gift of life. My biggest regret is that I did not know how to be a better man when I was young. I am jealous of my high school sweetheart's being married 30 plus years to the guy she found after me. I pray that you will find someone to share your life with like that.

Your loving father, Matthew